The real truth….

Last week I shared good news!  My legs looked like they were drying out, getting better, better than I have seen in a while.  I almost told you yesterday, I almost did but then I chickened out because I hold my support with such high regard, I didn’t want to disappoint.  But I think being honest is the very best way because as a human, I make so many mistakes it’s a little embarrassing, mistakes like doing or saying the wrong things.  I’m grateful for grace, for God’s grace because without it I may have taken a an easier way out by now.  Yesterday in the middle of the afternoon I had a scratch attack.  It’s like I lost all control, I raked my  finger nails across the skin of my lower legs especially and all the dried out, looking better spots became open, red and inflamed again. When I do this they feel raw and on fire, it hurts to even have fabric lay against them.  I felt so defeated like I took several steps back in the healing.  I have been so obedient on this cleanse, minus that one little mess up a few weeks back.  Just completely dedicated.  It’s obvious with the weight I have lost that I’m taking this cleanse serious.  I mean 17 pounds is no small feat in almost 6 weeks.  I’m doing something right, but not everything.  I just lose it and all of a sudden it’s like I can’t stop myself and once I begin, it’s over.  It feels so good, even though it’s bad.  Like a high.  blood runs down my legs, I often have to step into the shower to wash them off. This is the reality of it.  I can’t sugar coat it because that wouldn’t be completely honest.  I knew this journey wouldn’t be easy I knew it would take much more than almost 6 weeks but still by now I thought I would be further than this.  When Rich got home last night from Jim’s I shared with him what I had done.  He hugged me and asked why, just like I ask why?  He only wants me to be better, that’s his biggest wish.  So today he asked if I would see another dermatologist, just to get an opinion of another skin specialist.  I started by saying “oh man that would mean I have to see my doctor to get a referral and last time I did that it took me over one month to even get in, and when I did it was a total waste of my time.”  I would venture to say, the worst doctor I have seen regarding this skin condition to date. He says “no, we can pay cash, I already looked into this gal who has great reviews, so what do you say, this week we have extra money after mortgage clears, it would be the best week to do this.”   he adds “you are worth this money Trace”  “what do you say?”  as tears roll down my cheeks I nod yes.  He even set the appointment up for me.  I see her Wednesday.  I’m not going to stop eating good, I’m still cutting the sugar, wheat/gluten and dairy I have come too far to quit.  So today here I am, 10 steps back but still determined.  I just felt compelled to share and be honest about it.  I’m imperfect but I’m loved in spite of that. Again something to be incredibly grateful for.