A different spin

As I sat in my office for half the day in silence the day dragged on.  My back was hurting, my legs exposed.  I was brave to wear a knee length dress but not brave enough to walk around the office much.  I kept them tucked under my desk most of the day.  I normally listen to music.  I need music to help pass my day.  Today I didn’t want to turn on the music.  I kept drifting to my appointment, the one I would have after work today.  Would she say something different?  Would she have an answer?  I know I’m supposed to be optimistic but my heart feels like with all the appointments not one person has had a for sure, “this is it!”  THIS IS IT!  “This is what I will give you so you can get better.”  This would be in my dreams, my hope for an answer.  Rich has high hopes, he told me he has prayed about it, that this may be it!  I can’t go there; the letdown would be too much. I will as I said before continue to eat like this.  I will eat no wheat, gluten, sugar, dairy, caffeine.  I will go on.  Today is exactly 6 weeks.  Today I told you I would wear a dress.  It’s not a new one, it’s actually a few years old and it was bought 2nd hand at Goodwill but I like it. I DO feel like I deserve reward at this 6 week mark but with my “pay cash” dermatologist appointment today I find it hard to go buy a new dress. This entire post sounds so  Eeyore-ish.  Sorry.

 

The weight loss has come to a halt.  Not a single pound lost in week 6.  Which is okay, that’s not what this journey is about.  I have after all developed a new habit.  It’s called breakfast.  In the past I only made time for breakfast hit or miss and mostly miss with three cups of coffee in its place. Now I eat breakfast each day.  I know this is good.  I can’t wait for my restrictions to lesson, I really miss dairy more than I thought. A good Greek yogurt with berries sounds yummy, I was given a delish recipe of rolled oats with dried fruit and coconut that I have not  been able to try yet.  The waiting isn’t easy and I have so much further to go.

SOOOOOOOOOOOO

I saw the 2nd dermatologist and got my 9th opinion.  I think I’m up to 9 different types of doctors now, 2 family practice, 1 DO, 2 acupuncturist, 1 homeopathic, 1 psychologist, and now 2 dermatologists.  This dermatologist I feel better about.  The first one took a biopsy of a completely different area of my body than my problem to tell me it wasn’t eczema.  This doctor whole heartily believes it’s eczema that its gotten out of control because I…. ME, MYSELF AND I can’t stop scratching at it.  She believes I may have some OCD issues, I have heard this before like three times mixed with that dreaded anxiety I seem to also have.  I’m a walking case apparently.  So She also offers up this, that it is proven scientifically that when we scratch it releases endorphins like a runner gets their high when those endorphins are released by running.  She told me I get my high when I scratch and YES, she is so right.  I have often described my scratching sessions as an extreme high, like roll my eyes in the back of my head, heart beats super fast and hard, breathing becomes shallow and it takes everything I have to stop. EXACTLY. She believes if I can get ahold of myself and not scratch at them, they WILL get better.  She gave me some creams and a topical antibiotic because I refused the oral.  It makes me feel slightly sad about it though because it is in my HANDS and MY hands are not so STRONG and I often call to God for help but it’s like I’m not letting Him help me.  It’s like this little circle I’m not letting myself free from.  She also whole heartily believes it has nothing at all to do with yeast overgrowth.  NOTHING.  She was strong about that point.  She assured me she has seen many cases in many different stages.  To this  I say, I will continue eating very well, however I think adding dairy back  and other fruits seems like a great idea.  She said my elimination diet  is not hurting, it’s only helping  because she does believe like some of the other doctors that sugar feeds the infection but it’s not the cause of the sores.  I need strength, I need to find a new high.  That sounds bad and I don’t mean running.  I have tried that a few times, not my thing.  So what can my new high be?

 

 

Second to Last I stopped at the park to eat my salad with no dressing and took a few pictures with my iPhone, of me in that dress I promised to wear today.

 

and lastly I leave you with a quote from Eeyore

 

“Good morning, Pooh Bear,” said Eeyore gloomily. “If it is a good morning,” he said. “Which I doubt,” said he.

“Why, what’s the matter?”

“Nothing, Pooh Bear, nothing. We can’t all, and some of us don’t. That’s all there is to it.”

“Can’t all what?” said Pooh, rubbing his nose.

“Gaiety. Song-and-dance. Here we go round the mulberry bush.”

 

THIS MOMENT THIS VERY MOMENT IS A BRAND NEW MOMENT

 

 

 

 

16 thoughts on “A different spin

  1. I am thankful that there is hope with this doctor. I am also thankful that Eeyore had many friends that loved him… and learned so much from him.
    xo

    1. Stace you are right about little Eeyore, I had never thought of that, he and his good, good friends. I do have some really, really great friends. Thank you for being one of them.

  2. Love this insight into your mind friend….I can not believe the roller coaster you have been on. You are so brave….I love you dearly and hope and pray that one of these things works for you…xoxo

  3. Traci, this brought tears to my eyes. First off, you are brave beyond words to be so open and honest here in this spot. But I understand that, it helps doesn’t it? Anyway it helps me when I do it. I feel honored to be part of your audience. Second I can’t imagine how hard it must be to go to all these different docs and get different answers. You are brave. I fear I would have stopped asking. The Pooh quote is just perfect. Sweet thoughts sent your way dear you. I am thinking about you and sending love and hugs. xxoo

  4. Friend!!! Forgot to put our date on my new phone!! You in a dress and me bald!!! I am so encouraged by your strength!! I love you and I am very proud of you!!!

  5. You are STRONG.
    You are DETERMINED.
    You WILL beat this.
    I KNOW IT.
    We all have a bit of eeyore in us. It’s ok. I love Staci’s comment above. She’s right, you know.
    Love you much.
    xo

  6. you and your dress! i am so happy to see you still moving along, and honouring yourself, no matter where you feel you aren’t yet or ought to be, on this journey. we are each so unique and your self care will pay off, and leaving no stone unturned is an expression of determination and strength. you seem to have this in spades.

    and i think being authentic, being real is healthy. it doesn’t matter if it sounds like self pity or resentment or fear or sadness. if it is where you are, it is where you are and part of who you are. it is real, and it shifts, changes, passes, transforms. it is allowing. much love to you on this 6 week mark!

  7. I feel so strongly your strength and determination in this post. My eyes welled up as I understand so many of your feelings. I know it is quite the journey you are on to get to the bottom of this, get healthy and happy again, and I have no doubt that you are going to get there. I have faith in you.
    Warm hugs

  8. I agree with Erin about you being authentic so don’t feel like you have to apologize about how you sound. And I’m so impressed with your willpower! What you have accomplished in six weeks should be celebrated and I’m so glad that you wore that adorable dress today. Big kudos to you.

  9. So very well spoken. I am so impressed with your willingness to keep going to get answers. Keep up the fight, stay strong and you will beat this, my friend!! When I am able to exercise, I would love to show you a way to walk that beats running any day!!! Take care, and BTW….love the dress, you look adorable!!! XOXOXO

  10. just today i said to myself, “self, it’s not about how you feel in your skin it’s about living well in it. strength. health. mindfulness.” today i chose to rise above my feelings, my insecurities, my misperceptions, my wishes for change and appreciate the present of me now. looks like you in so many ways did the same today. bravo. i share this as a reminder that you are not alone.

    you are stronger than you think.

    x o x o

  11. dear sweet you. you are brave, enduring, enlightening, awesome, fabulous, courageous, honest and i’m going to say fabulous again. Thank you for your courage…thank you for your friendship…i’ve said it before…we are all richer for knowing you xoxoxoxoxo

  12. It sounds like you found a good doctor:), sometimes I feel like doctors are too eager to use stress or anxiety as a diagnosis, but have they ever thought that maybe what is happening to our body is causing the anxiety or stress?…if this is indeed exema I have awesome creams and soaps for u to try:) ill get some soap for you from the pharmacy it’s actually non soap soap:) it work wonders for lili. Thinking of you hang in there

  13. Sounds like you are on a great track! I’m proud of you!!
    You look awesome in you dress especially your small waist!
    Enjoy your yogurt and berries, sounds like a good idea!

  14. tracie,

    6 weeks needs to be celebrated! while I am sure you know from this experience that when change is going to make a difference.. It often takes awhile and it is SO WORTH IT! I really wish you lived closer to the Monterey bay. I feel like my naturopathic doctor would help you in a heart beat!! Maybe even emailing with her or talking to her on the phone.. I am sure you guys could arrange something together.. You and her.. She is so eager to help and get down to the core of any problems you are facing. My neice actually just went to her for food allergies/sinus allergies/anxiety/pms/hormone problems and after only 2 weeks she is doing awesome!!
    I think about you often

    Xoxoxoxoxo

  15. This post (and you) are so beautiful, honest and brave! I’m in awe of your commitment to your health, and I have so much hope that you will find the answer you need. And yes, that dress is absolutely adorable on you!!

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