As I sat in my office for half the day in silence the day dragged on. My back was hurting, my legs exposed. I was brave to wear a knee length dress but not brave enough to walk around the office much. I kept them tucked under my desk most of the day. I normally listen to music. I need music to help pass my day. Today I didn’t want to turn on the music. I kept drifting to my appointment, the one I would have after work today. Would she say something different? Would she have an answer? I know I’m supposed to be optimistic but my heart feels like with all the appointments not one person has had a for sure, “this is it!” THIS IS IT! “This is what I will give you so you can get better.” This would be in my dreams, my hope for an answer. Rich has high hopes, he told me he has prayed about it, that this may be it! I can’t go there; the letdown would be too much. I will as I said before continue to eat like this. I will eat no wheat, gluten, sugar, dairy, caffeine. I will go on. Today is exactly 6 weeks. Today I told you I would wear a dress. It’s not a new one, it’s actually a few years old and it was bought 2nd hand at Goodwill but I like it. I DO feel like I deserve reward at this 6 week mark but with my “pay cash” dermatologist appointment today I find it hard to go buy a new dress. This entire post sounds so Eeyore-ish. Sorry.
The weight loss has come to a halt. Not a single pound lost in week 6. Which is okay, that’s not what this journey is about. I have after all developed a new habit. It’s called breakfast. In the past I only made time for breakfast hit or miss and mostly miss with three cups of coffee in its place. Now I eat breakfast each day. I know this is good. I can’t wait for my restrictions to lesson, I really miss dairy more than I thought. A good Greek yogurt with berries sounds yummy, I was given a delish recipe of rolled oats with dried fruit and coconut that I have not been able to try yet. The waiting isn’t easy and I have so much further to go.
I saw the 2nd dermatologist and got my 9th opinion. I think I’m up to 9 different types of doctors now, 2 family practice, 1 DO, 2 acupuncturist, 1 homeopathic, 1 psychologist, and now 2 dermatologists. This dermatologist I feel better about. The first one took a biopsy of a completely different area of my body than my problem to tell me it wasn’t eczema. This doctor whole heartily believes it’s eczema that its gotten out of control because I…. ME, MYSELF AND I can’t stop scratching at it. She believes I may have some OCD issues, I have heard this before like three times mixed with that dreaded anxiety I seem to also have. I’m a walking case apparently. So She also offers up this, that it is proven scientifically that when we scratch it releases endorphins like a runner gets their high when those endorphins are released by running. She told me I get my high when I scratch and YES, she is so right. I have often described my scratching sessions as an extreme high, like roll my eyes in the back of my head, heart beats super fast and hard, breathing becomes shallow and it takes everything I have to stop. EXACTLY. She believes if I can get ahold of myself and not scratch at them, they WILL get better. She gave me some creams and a topical antibiotic because I refused the oral. It makes me feel slightly sad about it though because it is in my HANDS and MY hands are not so STRONG and I often call to God for help but it’s like I’m not letting Him help me. It’s like this little circle I’m not letting myself free from. She also whole heartily believes it has nothing at all to do with yeast overgrowth. NOTHING. She was strong about that point. She assured me she has seen many cases in many different stages. To this I say, I will continue eating very well, however I think adding dairy back and other fruits seems like a great idea. She said my elimination diet is not hurting, it’s only helping because she does believe like some of the other doctors that sugar feeds the infection but it’s not the cause of the sores. I need strength, I need to find a new high. That sounds bad and I don’t mean running. I have tried that a few times, not my thing. So what can my new high be?
Second to Last I stopped at the park to eat my salad with no dressing and took a few pictures with my iPhone, of me in that dress I promised to wear today.
and lastly I leave you with a quote from Eeyore
“Good morning, Pooh Bear,” said Eeyore gloomily. “If it is a good morning,” he said. “Which I doubt,” said he.
“Why, what’s the matter?”
“Nothing, Pooh Bear, nothing. We can’t all, and some of us don’t. That’s all there is to it.”
“Can’t all what?” said Pooh, rubbing his nose.
“Gaiety. Song-and-dance. Here we go round the mulberry bush.”
THIS MOMENT THIS VERY MOMENT IS A BRAND NEW MOMENT