Courage…..cause I’m just not ready

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I was just bragging about how responsible the first-born child is.  Then he calls me while on break from work to say…..”he is ready to move out”  He is actually filling out paperwork for a place in a nearby city with three other guy roommates.  I tried to be chipper and say “that’s awesome Austin”  “That should be quite an experience for you guys.”  I even thought to offer him the orange sofa that has been sitting  on our back patio.  All the while my heart sank straight to the pit of my stomach.  Being a parent isn’t easy sometimes.  I don’t want to let go.  I’m not ready.  I suppose it will free up a room.  We could use an extra room.  I guess I should be happy we raised a hard-working independent young man.  I just hope he makes the right choices.   I should have more faith.  I should trust God. He is our first-born and we have such wonderful conversations and so far he has really respected living here as an adult.  He texts me when he is on his way home 99% if the time and sometimes when he gets home late at night as 18-year-old kids do, we talk and it seems like at those late night hours he and I have really great conversations and I will miss that.  I think I will miss not sleeping well because I’m wondering if he will make it home alright, I think I will miss tip toeing around at night to see if he has slipped in without me hearing, I think I will miss looking out the front window waiting to see if he rounds the corner, I think I will miss his daily hugs and his I love you’s.  I’m a little sad right now knowing that this is all par for the course.  Is this what it felt like Mom when I left?  I’m sorry you had to feel this way.

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And the funny thing is….I knew exactly what he was going to tell me when he said he had something to talk about with me and dad.  I just knew.  Just like I knew he wreaked his car from the very first word that left his mouth “Mom”  He just had to say mom and I knew he had been in a car accident.  I know I’m not the first person in the world to set their boy free.  I KNOW this but it doesn’t mean it makes it any easier.  He is my first.

13 thoughts on “Courage…..cause I’m just not ready

  1. OMG… I just cried reading this. I’m still a couple of years off but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready. Oh Tracie. Your baby is leaving…
    He will be fine, but I just feel for you so much. What you said about missing his daily hugs and kisses hits home for me, because I miss my boy when he’s away for a few days for school camps, sleepover etc. let alone a longer period.
    We are all here for you missy and I send you lots of love. I know this will be tough. 😦 xo

  2. it is hard, so hard. even if they are ready (two of mine were ready the other one not so much). but you have to let them try and your have to let them go. and you worry and you wonder if you taught them all they need to know (you did), or at least you taught them where to come when they need help or answers. but it is hard. thinking of you both. him for the excitement of it all, and you for your mama heart. xooox

    1. Dylan announced to me that he would not be moving out anytime soon and in fact would be living under our roof well into his 20’s! Austin has always been more of a free bird. In fact I remember when his absolute favorite song was “free bird” by Lynyrd Skynyrd

  3. Oh dear… And there I was thinking “This is too soon!” as I stared at the paperwork my daughter’s future-pre-school sent us the other day… Good luck to you and your son! I’m sure he’ll be fine =)

  4. I won’t have to worry about this for at least ten years. That’s all the time in the world, right? Haha, I know better.

    What a good looking kid. Be proud, mom.

  5. I still see my first born 19 year old standing at the foot of my bed telling me she had started looking for an apartment. I felt as if the wind had been knocked out of me and all I could think as she spoke was, “I’m not finished with you yet.”

    1. Your last line got me! Wow, it’s exactly how I feel. May I ask, how is your daughter now? Did she do it and how are things now? My son is so excited it almost makes me excited for him too. I just worry. I think it’s normal to worry. Thank you for your comment.

      1. I didn’t provide for my daughters as I had expected to when I set out on the road of motherhood – hence those haunting words, “I’m not finished with you yet”. I cried for about two weeks for all that hadn’t gone as I had thought it would and, I guess, had hoped I might still be able to provide but was now lost to me with her declaration of independence. Then I realized she was excited, she was ready, she was capable and I supported her in her decision. She is now happily married with two children, providing well and coping with life’s ups and downs admirably. I have often thought that the easy part of motherhood is when a kiss will fix a skinned knee. Letting go and standing by through their adult years and being able to do little as they take life’s knocks and kicks is the hardest part. And it never stops – once a mother, always a mother. But it’s the most rewarding thing I’ve ever done. My youngest is now about to turn 33.

  6. The tears are flowing. I flash back to us sitting side by side nursing our baby boys thinking of what the future held for them. The future is here now and way to quickly I might add. I can’t predict how I will react, I am sure I will ball my eyes out. They are men now even though we still see our babies. Austin is an amazing young man and I am sure he will do great in his new adventure.

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