spring

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We took a small trip to the desert this weekend. Worth the trip don’t you think?  All along the ride there were small desert flowers at the side of the road, and the cactus with the vibrant pink flowers were ready to explode.  While these bushes filled with yellow flowers were scattered about.  The birds were singing and the desert was blooming. I was glad to visit.  A long time ago I didn’t like the desert.  I was naive.  I just thought it was dry, dirt and had little to offer.  Thank goodness as I have added years I realize it’s gorgeous.  Many of the plants remind me of under the sea.  It’s really quote beautiful the brown and the blue. I’m so happy we get wiser as we age.  It’s an upside.

my sign reads….”walk on me” I”m trying to re-paint over it.

What kind of person are you? Like if you were to describe yourself, what would you say? Think about it. Would you say one thing, the thing that is true but secretly maybe wish you were another way?

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I’m being honest here. I sometimes want to be more selfish. But I’m not built that way. Instead I may commit to things so that I can help others out. But what it does for me is put a little more stress and pressure on my plate. And every so often I have to let someone down. I wonder why I’m so accommodating in the first place? It’s like I put the little rug down and it has words on it….”walk on me” Naturally people do, they walk on it/me. It’s my message. Only I can re-write my message. But I don’t.

I have heard from people I love, people who want to fix things that I should just NOT say yes to things so much of the time. My answer usually goes something like this “well, if it were the other way around and I needed help, I would hope someone may be able to help me the way I’m helping them” But the real truth is this. There are givers and there are takers. The givers give and the takers take. The takers don’t typically give back. They have figured out what works for them. The givers, they keep giving until they just feel tired and maybe even a little sad too.

IMG_1968 Me trying to illistrate the point.  behind the scenes.  Hey what’s up Pablo!

One of my friends said this “she would even give you the skirt off her body” this is true. I have given two of my favorite skirts away because I found two people who didn’t own a skirt. I wanted them to twirl with me so I gave them something to twirl in. This is not to toot my own horn, this is to explain that this is how I am. If you came into my house and said something like “I really love that cup, it’s so cute” I may just say “here have it, I got some joy out of it, now it’s your turn” I’m a giver. I give. I often even feel uncomfortable if I receive. Yet I also know a lot of really amazing givers I really adore my giver friends and in the world I live in, I’m lucky there are more givers than takers. But just like when I hear one negative thing and nine positive things…somehow I focus and obsess on that one negative thing rather than embrace those nine positive things. And when I have one taker and nine givers, I focus on the taker. I just do. I allow the taker to steal my joy. Only I can hold tight to my joy. But I don’t.

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oh hey Pablo!

I’m 44 years now on this earth and still I grow and I learn and I don’t change as fast and as much as I would like but I’m at the very least acknowledging my shortcomings and trying to work them out. I suppose I’m not claiming to want to be a taker. However I do want to be strong enough to say no when it matters, when my sanity, when my rest and when my worry will be less with a few more No’s. Can one say No, without feeling selfish? I wonder if I can get to that point to realize my health, my life and my sanity is worth a few No’s.

IMG_1972hello, can you two stand on my back for a second.  “oh sure mom” no questions, I love that.