get your green on

lucky ass

Happy St. Patricks Day but more importantly….Happy birthday to my younger and handsome brother Brandon and my Amazing father-n-law who also both were born on this celebratory day!  Turns out I have had this shirt since 2011 and wear it every St. Patrick’s Day, also turns out I wore the same exact earrings today, not planned but shows what a creature of habit I am though;)

I was so greatly touched yesterday by the encouraging comments left on my blog post.  It seems I reach some of you readers out there but I wonder if you know how deeply you touch me.  I can’t tell you how much I appreciate a comment left.  I don’t want to say it’s because I’m insecure and I require cheering but I have found that the way I work best is with positive reinforcement and simply a pat on the back and “job well done” is all I need to keep trucking.  I have always been this way. A few encouraging words go a very long way with me so I have also become somewhat of an encourager myself.  Maybe too much at times….or so my kids think.

Favorite thing I heard today was from Dylan aka Moon Rebel “I want to learn to do a back flip, and I know I can do it because I’m athletic and capable, I just need to commit”  I like it.  He also found a butterfly with a broken wing.  Picked it up then placed it in our garden.

and the very last thing shared today here in this space is the inspiration and free bookcase that was delivered to my driveway by Uncle Don and scouted by Aunt Lynn and if it hadn’t been for my father-n-law knowing I was on the search for a bookcase then it would not have fallen into place so perfectly.  Let’s just say it will include yellow paint…such a very happy color and peacock-blue.  More to come on that later. I hope you will come back to see.

Color makes me happy!

feeling blessed even when the body is stressed

photo(4)This weekend I had a birthday.  It’s a magic number too.  No, not one of the mile stones, I passed that one up in a blur but this one is number 44.  I like numbers like that, 22, 33, 44. I think 44 will be a good year.  I think my legs will finally heal, I think my mind will be more clear, I think I will get healthy once and for all.  It’s just a feeling I have as I’m entering my fifth year of sore legs that resemble bumpy tree trunks more than anything else.  I will be proud to show my thick legs off in short skirts once the sores go away.  I will!  I will not complain about how thick they are, I will just love them because they will be smooth again and they are good and they get me all the places I wish to go.

8803465257_3e612fbc3b_zI remember once in a SP (self-portrait) class that I took.  I for the first time ever shared in a private group the sores I have on my legs and shared about my OCD and how I can’t leave them alone.  It was a photograph that had a reflection on our hardwood floor.  One very observant woman her name Beth said “I love the way the light is glowing behind you and the way your legs are reflected in the wood. Did you notice that they look flawless in the wood?”  I was first of all terrified to post such a vulnerable photo and I remember when I pushed upload, my stomach got butterflies and my legs went weak.  Yet I knew in the privacy and love within this private group of women, I would get the encouragements and wise words I needed to hear.  I felt it was time.  I shared.  And the words came flooding in, lots of encouraging love filled words and I had not noticed the smooth reflection of my legs.  It made me smile when she pointed that out.  It was the glimmer of hope I needed.  It had been so long since I had seen them flawless and smooth.  It gave me HOPE! I will not give up, I refuse to believe the rest of my days will be spent with sores on my legs, sores I can’t seem to stop scratching causing to bleed and making them even more sore.  It’s such a minor inconvenience yet I feel like there is a lesson for me in this.  I have this “condition” for a reason.  It’s part of my life journey.

legs

I have tried so many things the most intense for me was when I gave up sugar, I gave up mushrooms, vinegar and even fruit.  I was on such a strict diet that within the 6 weeks I dropped 18 pounds when today on my more realistic life style change I have only managed to drop 10 pounds in four months.  I honestly couldn’t live that way with that intense eating structure and I know it probably would have taken more than 6 weeks but after 6 weeks and seeing the 6th or so doctor who assured me it was eczema combined with OCD and my eating didn’t matter, I quickly hung my hat up on the extreme diet that in no way could be my way living.  I felt as if I wasn’t living to be honest.  I find joy in the flavors and aromas of food.  I believe anything in moderation isn’t so bad.  There are extreme views on this.  This is my personal view based on what I choose to do.

I close with this. I have tried extreme diet, I have tried essential oils, I have tried herbs, I have tried prescription and non prescription medications and ointments, I have tried therapy, I have tried acupuncture, I have tried juice cleanses, I have tried meditation, I have tried detraction therapy, I have tried tanning beds etc.  But what I have learned in all of this, it’s NOT IN MY CONTROL, it’s part of the plan and He has this, He knows.  I just need to trust. I think it’s important that we are brought to places where we can realize, it’s not in our control and we are forced in a sense to let go and let God and then be patient because His timing is perfect. Lessons. We have lessons because if our lives were perfect how could we ever understand to help others, to empathize?  I’m putting it out there today, just in case there are others of you with similar feelings and thoughts.  So we can find comfort in knowing we are in this together.

Scriptures I find great comfort in:  Romans 15:4-5, Romans 8:25 just a few.  Romans is pretty darn good book and if you find some time, these two scripture references are pretty good stuff.

ALMOST FORGOT!!  the reason I began this post was to share the excitement of how I was featured on Mortal Muses blog today 4 in 24!! I was so honored to have been asked to share a few mobile moments and it happened to be the day of my birthday when all the moments were captured.  Then I went off in a totally different direction??  Totally normal.

control

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Control

I have no control

I have all the control

I woke up in the middle of the night with this word on my mind

I wanted to push control off the cliff

I wanted to drown it

I wanted control never to exist

However

The harsh reality is

We are either controlling

Or

Being controlled

Is freedom such a thing?

I think not.

Trust Issues and Control Issues Equal Anxiety

I can remember very clearly when I was a teenager, having a blue beach cruiser with no gears of course and living on hills on either side of me. (No wonder I could eat whatever I wanted)  So back in the day we liked to ride our friends on our handlebars.  I always had to be the one who rode the bike because I didn’t trust anyone to ride me around.  I needed that control or else I would be full of anxiety.  Even now today I’m a bundle of nerves in a car…unless I’m driving.  Sounds so strange that I, miss easy-going, roll with the punches type girl would have these issues, however I do.   I have them so much so that it can consume me.  I’m not any different from many women out there who wake at 2:00 a.m. with their minds twirling and spinning and clicking forward and backward in time. I believe it’s a common trait in many busy women who like to be in control of their world.

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My beach cruiser now a days is orange and black and my passenger is Pablo

When I sat in church on Sunday the sermon wasn’t on control so much but rather living out our faith as opposed to just reciting our faith or believing our faith.  To live our faith as the greatest man of all time did.  Christ lived what he taught and what he believed.  He is our best example of how to fully trust, how to release that control to something bigger.  How about the creator of all the universe.  Who could be bigger than that?  If my one and only God knew me before I was ever born, if he created all the stars in the sky, all the sand of the earth’s beaches and oceans, place rainbows of promise in the sky and be the greatest artist of all time.  If I can’t trust Him, who can I trust?  He made me human.  He gave me a mind to question, he gave me a mind to be defiant because He also loves me that much to give me the free will to choose or not to choose.  I find myself often frustrated because in my world I want to be the one in control, I want to ride the bike with my friend on the handlebars.  Until I realize I’m not in control I will experience issues of trust and feel this dark heavy fog of anxiety.  I always say something like this “It’s that simple and it’s that difficult” because for me that’s how it is.  I know logically what I’m supposed to do but I often just don’t do it.  I’m working on trust, I’m working on releasing my control.  I think it will be a long journey but awareness is the first step and my God, he is a patient God.  I wish to live my beliefs but first I need to release my lack of trust and my control.  I’m just going to start today by putting one step in front of the other, knowing I will take a few steps back now and then but I’ll get there eventually, I will.

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Scripture reference.

Psalm 139:13-16 (NIV)

13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.

Luke 12:25 

And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his  span of life?