do you believe in yourself?

I have been doing a lot of reading and researching.  I think its part of mid-life. Questioning, where I am, how I got here and what’s in the future for me, for our family. I have been reading Dr. Phil’s book, “Self Matters” I’m in the chapter where he has one thinking about the defining events in your life. We can’t possibly remember every single day but there have been some events in our lives that stand out. I thought of a handful of personal and violating things that have happened in my life. I’m not going to share in this space but I will share the few things that came forward that are good. These events are times in my life where someone believed in me even when I didn’t believe in myself and turns out…they were right about me.

SHINEWhen I was in the first grade I was very shy, a lot like I’m still shy today. I had this teacher that really, really believed in me. She was going to have her class put on a play for their parents and she had to pick a part for all her kids. She chose me, the shyest girl in the class to play the starring roll. I had lines to memorize that my mom helped me with and when the big day came, I shined. I don’t think anyone would ever know I was the most shy, most quiet girl in the class. I don’t even remember being nervous that day. I know I was very young…but I remember. My teacher had full confidence in me.

ME AND RON

When I was in high school I took art class. I had the same teacher for art as I had for yearbook staff. I thought it strange but when I was in her art class she would tell me I could do whatever I wanted and I didn’t have to do the class assignments. She said she believed in what I had in my head and what I could do with it. I just thought it was because she liked me. I didn’t pursue my talent in art. I stopped drawing and painting by the time I was 19. But she saw something in me. I will never forget that.dont give up

When I was a young married women I went back to college for a time and took a writing class. I love to write. I remember a few weeks in we had a writing assignment. I wrote about Vietnam and I used my father-n-law as my inspiration. My paper was picked and read aloud to the class. She asked the class who they thought wrote the piece. Nobody guessed it was the shy girl with red hair that sat in the back. They all seemed pleasantly surprised and I was noticed that night and received a handful of really nice compliments.

portraitLooking back on some of my inspiring memories, I realize all 3 were TEACHERS who had faith in me. Do we give our teachers the credit they deserve? They shape our lives. Not all teachers are good but some are really great. I’m thankful for these teachers who had faith in me. Now to bottle their faith and make it my own. This is my challenge.

an every day sort of day already lived and behind me

What did you do yesterday?  One may think my day was pretty average, like a typical working mom kind of day.  I got up to take the soccer player to zero period then back again to take my “not so morning girl”  to school and then got myself to work.  I did a little accounting and while I was at work I got an email.  I WON!  I won something.  Last week I left a comment on a really great blog, my new friend Michelle’s blog http://michellegd.com/author/michellegyauchdzema/ she featured an interview with Tara Leaver and Tara has written a book called “creative spark” on this particular day if we left a comment it entered one into a drawing to possibly win this book. Long story short, I WON!  I was so excited to have won this book.  I think the timing is perfect, just perfect. It’s one of those trippy things because Tara’s book is almost exactly like the post I had written recently after I stumbled on a t.v. program in the middle of the night.  It all went together perfectly.  Just one of those things you know.  Something that could easily be missed if one wasn’t paying super close attention to detail and how things intertwine together.  How could a person I just happen to meet in the treehouse (a little IG group with daily prompts) then “stumble” upon one named Michelle, who happened to interview another gal from across the pond Tara who just happened to write a book about the exact things/feelings I have been experiencing at this exact moment in my life?  HUM?  What do you think? Coincidence?  I think not!

Aside from the excitement of actually winning something amazing, I managed to pick my kids up from school, stop by the post office to mail a post card, have the most rich and delicious chocolate cupcake ever with my one and only daughter.

cupcakesThen text back and forth with another friend Miss Audrey http://todayjustbe.wordpress.com/ from across the US about Mad Men and how awesome this show is and how we happen to both equally admire and inspire one another while doing the dishes, tidying up and fitting in two episodes in of Mad Men.

mad menGoing for a walk with my girl and my guy and our dog around the school across the street from our house, four times around equals two miles, while also picking up neighborhood trash around this school across the street from my house, an entire shopping bag full of trash btw.

trashThen baking our “famous make in your sleep banana bread” with all the old brown frozen banana’s in our freezer then greeting my sister who came to spend the night, bringing with her four c.d.’s for me to transfer into my library, feeding the animals, taking a shower and getting off to bed to “cuddle” with my guy, while comforting the one and only daughter who couldn’t sleep and had a tummy ache here or there, letting the little scraggly Pablo dog out to pee at 2:00 am and running into my sister in our hall who didn’t even see me because she was so intrigued with whatever was on her ipad (my guess…Mad Men) as she walked out of our bathroom also at 2:00 a.m.  All in a day’s work right?  I’m most positive it’s not much different from many of your days. Dinner?  Oh yeah that was left over chili so that was easy. In fact, willing to bet some of you were actually far more busy than I.

Today I began my day with listing to music while waking up my sister and having coffee with her among other things you know.  

photo

Just yesterday I had 75 followers (that sounds so weird to me….followers) and now this morning I have 80! What should I do when I reach 100 readers?  I have to do something really amazing right?  My only goals was to reach 100 subscribers well honestly first it was just to see if I could convince at least 10 people to be interested.  Anything is possible and I remind myself, out loud even sometimes to never, ever give up.  Persistence pays off no matter what your goals may be, if you’re consistent and persistent, you will get where you want to be.

I’m going to figure out how to make a poll, I’m not sure where it will show up on my page but the poll will be interactive.  There will be an opportunity for my readers to vote on what I should do for my 100th subscriber.  Be on the look out for that poll. I need your input.

Woman Aware and Choosing

Our assignment was to write our facilitator a letter to introduce ourselves as an adult-daughter, a mother and a wife but at the same time I thought those were titles of what I do (sort of) so this is what I wrote;

As you, Sandi read through some of your notes and shared some of your own story, I thought….this is going to be very, very difficult.  I may even cry sometimes and this will stretch me and this will help me to grow.  After all, I can only be the best version of me.  Someone actually said that too this first night.  Yep, best version of me.  Shy, reserved yet having a big heart and finding the gift of encouragement very easy.  I’m a great friend who encourages my friends to follow their dreams, to love and accept themselves, to not be afraid.  Yet I myself do not follow my dreams because I’m too afraid and I don’t really accept myself fully. The strongest things I heard on the first night are the K in our THINK acrostic  as in “Know this, God LOVES YOU, just as you are” It also made a whole lot of sense the part about how “we teach people how to treat us.” I get that.

honor love respectI don’t have the gift of talk but I do have the gift of words.  I’m a good adult daughter and I do all the right things, even when I don’t want to.  I’m a good wife and I do all the right things even when I don’t want to and in both these relationships I withhold information or as you like to use the stronger word lie.

I’m a great mom, I’m fun, I’m adventurous, I’m honest, I’m loving, I encourage them to follow their dreams, I dance with them, I sing with them, I draw with them and I feel like I can be myself 100% completely with these children who love me no matter what.  I often think if I could be like this in ALL my relationships I would be so much better off. 6940422035_18d70b66f8_bI wouldn’t harbor anger and resentment I wouldn’t feel hurt, I wouldn’t pick my skin because it’s the only relief I find now a days.  I keep it all bottled up inside and I just do what’s right and I’m always pleasing and always accommodating and I like to play the entire court. I’m always a good listener too and if I trust you, I tell you my story.  I need to be here.  I just do.

Love your new friend and student

Tracie West

the real truth

I posted this image here at one point but also in a private workshop class and one woman said, notice in the reflection, your legs are smooth. I like the idea of that because I do know this is temporary and there will be an end to it.

And this is just a guess but I’m guessing some of us women feel a whole like I do.  Always doing the right thing even when our hearts are not in it. Never really complaining, never expressing our true feelings on a matter for either A) not wanting to hurt someone’s feelings or B) feeling rejected.  So we just say what we think they want to hear and do what they want us to do and go about our days.  I’m not saying all women, I’m saying some.