Believing what is true and breaking bad habits

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What if I say,

I’m healed

My legs are smooth

I’m wrapped in His peace and love

What If I say this instead of

I hate my legs

I can’t

I can’t leave them alone

Will I really believe these words?

I have heard it’s a proven fact that if you say positive words over and over and over again

One will really begin to believe it.

I’m going to practice saying

I’m healed

My legs are smooth

I’m wrapped in his peace and love

You see sometimes my posts will be a little poem I write, other days it may be full of images, while other days I will share a recipe or idea, sometimes I write about trips to the moon, I will share adventures we go on, a piece of furniture I love,  the golden light, share scripture or my beliefs.  I feel so privileged that I have a spot to share my feelings and my thoughts and although I prefer to be positive and focus on things that are good, or the blessings in my life, the truth of the mater is I will also sometimes share or talk about things I struggle with and it’s not easy when I do.  I feel vulnerable when I share things that are hard for me.  I know I’m not alone.  There are others who have their own struggles. We are never alone and I believe God created us in the largest part to love one another.  We can do this in sharing, in listening and showing our love and kindness to those around us.  I feel surrounded in love.  I’m blessed and so I share and I share most openly. Today was one of those open days.

feeling blessed even when the body is stressed

photo(4)This weekend I had a birthday.  It’s a magic number too.  No, not one of the mile stones, I passed that one up in a blur but this one is number 44.  I like numbers like that, 22, 33, 44. I think 44 will be a good year.  I think my legs will finally heal, I think my mind will be more clear, I think I will get healthy once and for all.  It’s just a feeling I have as I’m entering my fifth year of sore legs that resemble bumpy tree trunks more than anything else.  I will be proud to show my thick legs off in short skirts once the sores go away.  I will!  I will not complain about how thick they are, I will just love them because they will be smooth again and they are good and they get me all the places I wish to go.

8803465257_3e612fbc3b_zI remember once in a SP (self-portrait) class that I took.  I for the first time ever shared in a private group the sores I have on my legs and shared about my OCD and how I can’t leave them alone.  It was a photograph that had a reflection on our hardwood floor.  One very observant woman her name Beth said “I love the way the light is glowing behind you and the way your legs are reflected in the wood. Did you notice that they look flawless in the wood?”  I was first of all terrified to post such a vulnerable photo and I remember when I pushed upload, my stomach got butterflies and my legs went weak.  Yet I knew in the privacy and love within this private group of women, I would get the encouragements and wise words I needed to hear.  I felt it was time.  I shared.  And the words came flooding in, lots of encouraging love filled words and I had not noticed the smooth reflection of my legs.  It made me smile when she pointed that out.  It was the glimmer of hope I needed.  It had been so long since I had seen them flawless and smooth.  It gave me HOPE! I will not give up, I refuse to believe the rest of my days will be spent with sores on my legs, sores I can’t seem to stop scratching causing to bleed and making them even more sore.  It’s such a minor inconvenience yet I feel like there is a lesson for me in this.  I have this “condition” for a reason.  It’s part of my life journey.

legs

I have tried so many things the most intense for me was when I gave up sugar, I gave up mushrooms, vinegar and even fruit.  I was on such a strict diet that within the 6 weeks I dropped 18 pounds when today on my more realistic life style change I have only managed to drop 10 pounds in four months.  I honestly couldn’t live that way with that intense eating structure and I know it probably would have taken more than 6 weeks but after 6 weeks and seeing the 6th or so doctor who assured me it was eczema combined with OCD and my eating didn’t matter, I quickly hung my hat up on the extreme diet that in no way could be my way living.  I felt as if I wasn’t living to be honest.  I find joy in the flavors and aromas of food.  I believe anything in moderation isn’t so bad.  There are extreme views on this.  This is my personal view based on what I choose to do.

I close with this. I have tried extreme diet, I have tried essential oils, I have tried herbs, I have tried prescription and non prescription medications and ointments, I have tried therapy, I have tried acupuncture, I have tried juice cleanses, I have tried meditation, I have tried detraction therapy, I have tried tanning beds etc.  But what I have learned in all of this, it’s NOT IN MY CONTROL, it’s part of the plan and He has this, He knows.  I just need to trust. I think it’s important that we are brought to places where we can realize, it’s not in our control and we are forced in a sense to let go and let God and then be patient because His timing is perfect. Lessons. We have lessons because if our lives were perfect how could we ever understand to help others, to empathize?  I’m putting it out there today, just in case there are others of you with similar feelings and thoughts.  So we can find comfort in knowing we are in this together.

Scriptures I find great comfort in:  Romans 15:4-5, Romans 8:25 just a few.  Romans is pretty darn good book and if you find some time, these two scripture references are pretty good stuff.

ALMOST FORGOT!!  the reason I began this post was to share the excitement of how I was featured on Mortal Muses blog today 4 in 24!! I was so honored to have been asked to share a few mobile moments and it happened to be the day of my birthday when all the moments were captured.  Then I went off in a totally different direction??  Totally normal.

The history of my weight

The history of my weight the long and short of it.  The short of it….I have always thought I was fat even when I was 115 pounds in my high school days.

high school days

That’s Motorcycle man up there and me and my red mustang.  Loved that car. 

My young adult years were spent in the 120’s.

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This is us with some really good friends back in the day, seeing them this Saturday in fact! Can’t wait.

By the time I married at age 23, I was 125 pounds, I felt strong and healthy although in my mind 125 was still not skinny.  My time was spent with Cindy Crawford and her workout tapes.  Probably my proudest picture below, on my honeymoon in my swim suit.  I do not expect to see 125 again, I’m not sure at this age 125 would even look healthy?

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 I loved this bathing suit.

I quickly put on 15 pounds within the first year of my marriage.  I thought LOVE was southern, home cooked meals like mashed potatoes with gravy on top and fried chicken.  I bought lots of soda and boxes of ding dongs.  I felt being an adult I could bring in that junk food that I was not raised on.   I figured since I was an adult I could load up my cupboards and fridge with junky food, like it was one of the “perks” of being a grown up.  And still I was not fat by any means.  I seemed to maintain 145-150.

While I was raising the tiny kids I did lots of running around, carrying them around and hauling their things.  Somewhere along the way I crept into the 160’s but still active and always on the go.

child rearing

left/right Me 5 months pregnant with Aus, me a barely pregnant with Abbie and the last shot, I just love it’s me and Dyl (my now personal home health coach) 

In my mid 30’s I got tired of the weight in the 160’s, my feet hurt and I didn’t feel very good  I ate lots of red meat, I discovered rib eye!!  I love making homemade desserts, cooking and baking. In my world LOVE equals homemade food.  Because my feet were hurting and stuff I decided to join Weight Watchers, I lost my weight slow and steady and got down to 137 and maintained it only a few short years.  Then went right back to my old ways, soda, drive thru’s, red meat, cheesy bread, and lots and lots of homemade desserts. I have managed to maintain (if you want to call it that) 170’s.  However I will go up 10 or down 10 on rare occasions.  Up 10 when I’m completely not paying attention to myself or down 10 when I get all crazy and start extreme walking.  But for the most part a good solid 170 for the past 7 years.  I know my body frame is not meant to carry this amount of weight.  I’m 5’4″ and my bones are not very big, I have a small face and I often think my head looks sort of like a grape sitting atop someone else’s body.  below are some  non flattering pictures of myself.  The ones I would never show.  I hate full body shots and as some of you readers know, I have had eczema for the past 4 years and a high anxiety because of it.  Always picking and pulling away the scabs, it gives me a strange relief to pick at them.

now a days

 Just a bunch of none flattering pictures of me.  Yes, I have these skin issues, yes I’m over weight but I still like to enjoy life.

 I’m beginning to think that because I have not taken care of myself properly in the past 7 years that these toxins and skin problems have arrived.  Again, could be hormonal. I have gone to a list of doctors.  I do believe the smartest of all was the acupuncture doctor , he said in his broken English “toxins! toxins!”   He told me to lose weight! He wasn’t very nice about any of it.   I have been to  4 different Western medicine doctors, this acupuncturist, a homeopathic doctor, 2 dermatologist and a psychologist.  Nobody has been able to “cure” me.  I have been on a strictly veggie smoothie diet, I only lasted a think a week in a half on that one.  I did the Daniel fast for a period of 21 days where I also spent serious time with God in prayer and in study.  I have cut all sugar and ate only whole foods for about 6 weeks and the first few of those weeks I was a raving maniac.  NONE of these things I have been able to do for the long haul.  All these things feel and seem extreme in my world and not realistic as a life style.

I’m going to try herbalife for a while.  I’m thinking a life style out of this will not be a life long commitment either  but it will be something I can do for several months, taking vitamins and supplements to get my body healthy. A tool to use to reach my healthy weight.   I believe if I can get myself to a healthy weight that my health and skin issues will be resolved.  I could be wrong but it will be on the list of things I try.  I’m not going to stop trying things.  I know I’m not meant to live out my years like this.  I’m joining round 2 of FITCAMP which is free still and Dylan is exercising with me at home and is more than happy to be my in home health coach.

I will be posting updates here and also keeping it as a cooking, inspirational and even time to time guest spot space but in the meantime my head is into the FIT.  It’s where I need to be.