Trust Issues and Control Issues Equal Anxiety

I can remember very clearly when I was a teenager, having a blue beach cruiser with no gears of course and living on hills on either side of me. (No wonder I could eat whatever I wanted)  So back in the day we liked to ride our friends on our handlebars.  I always had to be the one who rode the bike because I didn’t trust anyone to ride me around.  I needed that control or else I would be full of anxiety.  Even now today I’m a bundle of nerves in a car…unless I’m driving.  Sounds so strange that I, miss easy-going, roll with the punches type girl would have these issues, however I do.   I have them so much so that it can consume me.  I’m not any different from many women out there who wake at 2:00 a.m. with their minds twirling and spinning and clicking forward and backward in time. I believe it’s a common trait in many busy women who like to be in control of their world.

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My beach cruiser now a days is orange and black and my passenger is Pablo

When I sat in church on Sunday the sermon wasn’t on control so much but rather living out our faith as opposed to just reciting our faith or believing our faith.  To live our faith as the greatest man of all time did.  Christ lived what he taught and what he believed.  He is our best example of how to fully trust, how to release that control to something bigger.  How about the creator of all the universe.  Who could be bigger than that?  If my one and only God knew me before I was ever born, if he created all the stars in the sky, all the sand of the earth’s beaches and oceans, place rainbows of promise in the sky and be the greatest artist of all time.  If I can’t trust Him, who can I trust?  He made me human.  He gave me a mind to question, he gave me a mind to be defiant because He also loves me that much to give me the free will to choose or not to choose.  I find myself often frustrated because in my world I want to be the one in control, I want to ride the bike with my friend on the handlebars.  Until I realize I’m not in control I will experience issues of trust and feel this dark heavy fog of anxiety.  I always say something like this “It’s that simple and it’s that difficult” because for me that’s how it is.  I know logically what I’m supposed to do but I often just don’t do it.  I’m working on trust, I’m working on releasing my control.  I think it will be a long journey but awareness is the first step and my God, he is a patient God.  I wish to live my beliefs but first I need to release my lack of trust and my control.  I’m just going to start today by putting one step in front of the other, knowing I will take a few steps back now and then but I’ll get there eventually, I will.

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Scripture reference.

Psalm 139:13-16 (NIV)

13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.

Luke 12:25 

And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his  span of life?

My heart

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You see, my heart, it is my faith.  There are times when it just doesn’t seem as though things are going quite our way.  We struggle like I know so many of us do.  And although things are not panning out the way we had envisioned I know there is one thing that can’t be taken from me and that’s my faith.  Sometimes it’s very hard to understand why people get sick with cancer, or lose their homes or a loved one.  All the really bad things that are unexplainable and often seem very unfair.  However the reasons to me are simple.  It’s because I can’t do this alone.  I have my faith, my Heavenly Father to pick me up and carry me when I don’t feel as if I can walk on my own.  This is what works for me.  This is how I survive in a world that can be unfair.  When I focus on the LOVE He sprinkles virtually everywhere.  When I focus on the good, the blessing in each and every day. These gifts, these blessings, they are what keep me focused on Him.  The fact that I wake up each day, that one thing is enough to be grateful for, just waking up.  If it were only that one thing, still I would be full of gratitude because each day is a blessing, a gift.  I got out of bed today.  Today is good.  I’m reminded of this in Lamentations 3:22 “Because of the Lord’s great LOVE we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail.  THEY ARE NEW EVERY MORNING.”

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Today a little wind has been taken from my sail but in the big scheme of things it’s gonna be okay.  My first-born son,  the one who drove to Hollywood Monday night, he made it home safe.  My husband the one who loves me so much he buys me weird gadgets to help my itchy skin because he wants it to get better as much or more than I do.  My garden and the three pumpkin seeds I planted and have shown signs of growth in less than 7 days.  The home, this home that I have full of LOVE and shared faith.  The friends I have who lift me up and encourage me, they are gifts for my soul. The littlest and only girl we have who leaves me video messages full of love and expression.  The second born who is completely silly when he has too much chocolate. My family who stands by me no matter what I have such wonderful parents and this includes my in-laws. These are also my heart.   You know I could go on and on and on.

Watching the Sun move onto to it’s next day

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Not sure what sort of time one might have to watch about three minutes of a  little movie.  Tuesday we felt like watching the sun travel to the other side of our earth, leaving our side to give us night to visit the other side and give it day.  We figure the beach is the best place to do this.  We brought two extra’s and we had a really peaceful and stress free Tuesday evening.  I’m thankful for how Tuesday went, I’m thankful for that big huge sun that keeps things ticking, for the creator who placed it there and knew exactly how perfect the rotation of His earth should be, and perfectly where to place the sun so the earth and all His creation could thrive. Mind blowing really.

Little Inspiration Bird

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And this is how it all began, I had just visited the last day of our Farmers Market in fall of 2011. I first bought this bird from my favorite vendor, Eli Burnham, although she didn’t make this bird, it was handmade by Kelly Campbell, each bird is uniquely made, just like us. I had been admiring this little chubby bird all market season.  I would pick her up, look at her for a few moments and always put her right back down.  I had bought other jewels from Eli but this particular bird was a little more money than I typically would spend so always I would put her right back down feeling guilty to buy it just for me.  Since it happened to be the last day of the fall market I again picked up the little bird and admired her.  I thought, this is my last chance until next spring, maybe I will just do it, just buy her you know? I’m worth it, I waited all season, so I finally talked myself into buying her.  I wore her for a while with pride, I would see a glimpse of her in the mirror and would be reminded that I do deserve to wear a little sweet bird but then I began to think, other woman should be able to experience her too, other creative women, women who may not also typically treat themselves to a gift like this.  I have been posting pictures to a site called Flickr since September of 2009 and I have met so many good hearted and talented people because of this site.  I like to call it a place where likeminded people come to meet, a place I belong, a place I finally fit in completely. It took a good long while to build friendships but once I did, I felt so blessed to have had these people come into my life, people I wouldn’t know had it not been for this photo share site.  So in the spirit of giving, I sat one evening thinking about the people I had met and one person kept coming to mind and she wasn’t someone I had ever spoken to, I had never met her in person but somehow she was reaching me through her photos and it was her photo’s of birds that reminded me of this sweet bird.  Bev seemed to be fully happy and present in her life.  So I decided I would send my bird to her and I would then ask her to send it on to someone she felt inspired by and so on and so on.  The little bird of inspiration began her travels in November of 2011 and since then she has graced the necks of 9 woman including me, she has traveled so many miles across the map zig, zag back and forth.  She began here with me in Southern California and today she is in Montreal Canada on her 9th stop around this world.

Below are a few of the women who have worn her and photographed her.  I keep a group in flickr called “The Inspiration Bird” and this is where she is kept all in one spot.  My dream is that she will continue flying for a long time to come and maybe someday we can make a coffee table book of her travels, filled with stories of inspiration and friendship.  Never stop dreaming one never knows!

Tracie Southern CaliforniaShe began here with me in Southern California

Bev Dayton OhioI sent her to Bev in Dayton Ohio

Sam VirginaBev sent her to Sam in Virginia

Lisa Northern CaliforniaSam sent her to Lisa back to California but this time in the Bay Area

Andrea KentuckyLisa then sent her to Andrea in Kentucky

Daniella IndonesiaAndrea sent her to Daniella in Indonesia

Marta BelgiumDaniella sent her to Marta in Belgium

You can imagine how exciting this is for me.  To watch her travel the world and she has since made it to two other talented women since her stop in Belgium but I don’t have a portrait to share of Christina who is in Denmark, she does however have a wonderful blog you can visit at http://christinagreve.com/inspiration-bird/  Where she actually blogged about the bird for a bit.  I never realized she would reach such talent and women who inspire other women.  Then Christina sent her on to Eva in Montreal Canada and this is where she resides as we speak.  Eva also has a beautiful inspiring website http://www.evariccistudio.com/  You can see additional pictures of this little bird right here in this Flickr groups http://www.flickr.com/groups/1785562@N24/  I really hope to update again maybe at the end of this year.  It’s been a wonderful experiment that has gone better than I expected.  All the women she has reached have honored my wish by sending her on her way.  It’s also been a lesson of patience for me because there are times where it takes a while for her to reach her next destination but this too is okay because  there are no time limits to this experiment, just  instructions to pass along and place in my group when they feel the timing is right.  I also want to buy a map of the world and map out her flight, that will be fun.  This my friends is the post I promised to share about the Little Inspiration Bird.