Trust Issues and Control Issues Equal Anxiety

I can remember very clearly when I was a teenager, having a blue beach cruiser with no gears of course and living on hills on either side of me. (No wonder I could eat whatever I wanted)  So back in the day we liked to ride our friends on our handlebars.  I always had to be the one who rode the bike because I didn’t trust anyone to ride me around.  I needed that control or else I would be full of anxiety.  Even now today I’m a bundle of nerves in a car…unless I’m driving.  Sounds so strange that I, miss easy-going, roll with the punches type girl would have these issues, however I do.   I have them so much so that it can consume me.  I’m not any different from many women out there who wake at 2:00 a.m. with their minds twirling and spinning and clicking forward and backward in time. I believe it’s a common trait in many busy women who like to be in control of their world.

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My beach cruiser now a days is orange and black and my passenger is Pablo

When I sat in church on Sunday the sermon wasn’t on control so much but rather living out our faith as opposed to just reciting our faith or believing our faith.  To live our faith as the greatest man of all time did.  Christ lived what he taught and what he believed.  He is our best example of how to fully trust, how to release that control to something bigger.  How about the creator of all the universe.  Who could be bigger than that?  If my one and only God knew me before I was ever born, if he created all the stars in the sky, all the sand of the earth’s beaches and oceans, place rainbows of promise in the sky and be the greatest artist of all time.  If I can’t trust Him, who can I trust?  He made me human.  He gave me a mind to question, he gave me a mind to be defiant because He also loves me that much to give me the free will to choose or not to choose.  I find myself often frustrated because in my world I want to be the one in control, I want to ride the bike with my friend on the handlebars.  Until I realize I’m not in control I will experience issues of trust and feel this dark heavy fog of anxiety.  I always say something like this “It’s that simple and it’s that difficult” because for me that’s how it is.  I know logically what I’m supposed to do but I often just don’t do it.  I’m working on trust, I’m working on releasing my control.  I think it will be a long journey but awareness is the first step and my God, he is a patient God.  I wish to live my beliefs but first I need to release my lack of trust and my control.  I’m just going to start today by putting one step in front of the other, knowing I will take a few steps back now and then but I’ll get there eventually, I will.

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Scripture reference.

Psalm 139:13-16 (NIV)

13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place,
when I was woven together in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed body;
all the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be.

Luke 12:25 

And which of you by being anxious can add a single hour to his  span of life?

I wish…….

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Sometimes I wish my legs were smooth

Then I remember I have legs that can walk

Sometimes I wish my fingernails would stay clean

Then I remember the work my hands can do

Sometimes I wish I lived in a house I chose

Then I remember my house is a home

Sometimes I wish I were not so shy

Then I remember being quiet helps me to listen

Sometimes I wish I could say what’s on my mind

Then I remember sometimes words can hurt and better left unsaid

Sometimes I wish I could be bolder

Then I remember actions can be louder than words

I’m happy that although I wish for things

I’m satisfied with how He knows what’s very best for me.

So I trust.

Poem by me