I write – because I must

There was a little girl,

And she had a little curl

Right in the middle of her forehead

When she was good

She was very, very good

And when she was bad she was horrid.

-Henry Wadsworth Longfellow

sky This poem is so very me. I’m sort of all or nothing which can be so dangerous. I keep trying to work on that part about me. Trying to calm down and realize its okay not to do things perfect. I should just do the best I can and not beat myself up about the rest.

So this morning I got up early. I’m not an early bird just so you know. I prefer night owl behavior. I walked early because it’s supposed to be really hot today. I saw one sweet tiny snail making its way.

At 7:00 a.m. a man arrived with a handful of cash.  We sold the motor home!!  We tried to sell it all summer long and then last night we got our buyer. He gave us the money this morning and took the home away. I will miss it. We have lots of wonderful memories with it.

At 7:15 my oldest to be born wrapped his arms around me and said “I need help mom, I’m sick” He has an 8 hour shift and had to be at work by 8:00 a.m. It felt good to be his mom. I made him hot tea with honey and rubbed peppermint and on-gaurd on his chest.  Now he is home in bed.  He worked 4 of the 8 hours.

By 8:05 I was sitting in the parking lot of Right Aid. I have created a little routine where I stop before work and do my daily devotion and pray for all sorts of things. Twice now I have seen a little old guy with a feather in his hat. It makes me happy.

thingsI’m reading a really wonderful book right now called “A Million Little Ways”  It has me thinking lots.  In this book it talks a lot about how our creator made us, He already knows what we are supposed to be but sometimes we forget.  It asks a few questions I’m pondering right now.  This is one of the questions, “when is a time in your life you felt fully alive?”  In this book it talks about how it’s always been in us, whatever it is about us that makes us who we are.  Is that confusing?  Well, she uses for example how when she played Barbies she had intricate story lines, they all had names and she really PLAYED Barbies.  Her sister on the other hand didn’t name her Barbies, she didn’t have intricate story lines, she just decorated their houses and set out their clothes and dressed them up.  So now in life the sister helps people decorate their homes on a budget and the author of this book (Emily Freeman) she writes!  They have always been who they are today.  Always.  So who am I?  Who are you?  Good questions right? And also a great book.  I recommend it.

And sometimes I just write about my day because I can’t think of any thing else to write about. But I must write I just must.

 

 

 

 

mail – real paper mail

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I found this guy on my early morning walk.  I saw a few of these little guys just inching along, leaving their little trails.  I ran home to get my camera.  Picture worthy don’t you think?  So in the spirit of snails, let us talk about snail mail.  Us writers love that stuff.  I love sending it and I love receiving it so when I saw that Jennifer Belthoff was matching up snail mail pals, I had to join.  You know me.  I like to join.  And it’s easy.  She matches us up.  We send a total of three post cards through out this month and she gives us a little writing prompt.  I received my post card just last week.  It was a gorgeous wave and I lit a candle next to it and realized the reflection from the candle made it look like a sun was in the sky.  It was really amazing and it made me smile.  My pen pal for the month sent me a beautiful poem.

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Oh and we sold the motor home!!!  Guess what that means?  The little yellow bug gets its new engine!!!!  That’s all for now.

today I am brave

Today I am brave because I booked a flight to Oregon where I will meet up with a handful of women I have never met in person.  I have been invited to stay a weekend by the ocean with these kindred souls.  I’m a little nervous to be honest.  I have a weird feeling in my stomach.  I have never done anything quite like this.  I have not flown alone on an airplane since I was around 5 years old.  I’m extremely shy and very introverted.

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I just took a quiz to see if I’m an introvert which is so SILLY because I already know that I am.  I scored a solid introvert and of course it was no surprise.  The description actually sounds nice but I also read some place that introverts are selfish.  That part doesn’t sound very nice.  You see I’m happy in my own little world, in my own little house with my own little family.   I prefer a one on one friendship, I for sure prefer to express myself in writing,  I enjoy solitude, I care not for wealth or fame, I have been told I’m a good listener,  I’m not a risk taker, I like to celebrate my a birthdays on a very small-scale,  I have been described as soft-spoken, peaceful and mellow, I for sure think before I speak, I don’t need much but I do believe this will be something that will feed my mama soul.  It will be a time to be rejuvenated.  I believe this group holds women of all different stages in their lives and this will nice to look back and see ahead and also relate to those in similar stages.  I do happen to know that women need women friendships.  I may be shy, I may be introverted but this doesn’t mean I’m not brave.

I will tell you my photo’s and my videos do show my true spirit but this side of me is only truly seen by my best friend motorcycle man, my children who came out of my body and very close family and friends.  Other than that you will see me as more of an observer and never the center of attention.  And Although I’m trying to be okay with who I was born to be, I often wish I could socialize better.

What does it mean to be brave to you?

Do you really need that?

Motorcycle man may say something like “We should really get rid of this shopping cart, I mean you haven’t even used it in over year” Do you know what my response would be? “well, I think I will use it today, yeah, I’ll walk to the store and I’ll use my shopping cart today” The very moment he wants to cleanse I will hold on so tight, and I will make every single excuse as to why we just can’t get rid of that, whatever that may be.   He really cracked me up one day years ago when I noticed my yoga mat was missing. “I was like where is that yoga mat?” I walked up to my sons room where I saw they had cut up my yoga mat to muffle his drum set! So I say “why did you use my yoga mat?” And naturally their response “come on mom, you never use it” me, “yeah, but I was going to use it just now!” This is the story of my life. I hold on to things. I have a really hard time letting go. Some people are natural at letting go and some people are not. I want to be in my mind but I’m not really made that way.

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You know what else? I like to find things. And I have to literally talk myself out of bringing things home. This week my neighbor had a wooden ladder out by the trash. I wanted it. So I tell littlest and only girl “I really want that ladder” She says, “Mom, do you really need that ladder? What will you do with it” “Well, I will put it in my garden and put planks of wood on it and make it like a flower pot shelf stand thing” She talked me out of it. I didn’t go get it. These things happen a lot and I would say it’s 4 against 1. The kids seem to take the side of motorcycle man. They always ask me the important questions. “Do you really NEED it?” “What will you do with it?” and “Do you have a spot for it?” They are all so smart and they keep me level headed, they really do. I still sort of wish I had that ladder though.

How are you made? Tell me in the comments section. Are you a release kind of person or a hold on tight? Are you a tosser or a collector?

 

Something really amazing happened today

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Backstory: I went to a new park. I walked 30 minutes. It was 95 degrees. I thought. “It would be so nice to find a blue feather today” I found not a single feather, not white, not brown and for sure not blue. I got home. I opened my mail. And there was the most beautiful blue feather I had ever seen! It even had a  heart and that’s how the story went. It’s a true story.

I just had to share because quite honestly it blew my mind.  But God has a way of doing that.

grandma or otherwise known as GG-ma

Today grandma emailed me this picture and she wrote “Were we ever this young?!!!”

grandparentsMy reply “Oh how I love this.  Do you know you are as beautiful now as you were then?  I have the most gorgeous grandma in the world.  I love this photo.”

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I’m so blessed to have her as my grandma, that she is my kids great grandma.  I was fortunate enough to spend just over a week with her and my mom in Arkansas this summer with my littlest and only girl.  It was 4 generations of women.  I really want to make a slide show of your time there.  The other day grandma said “please make it before I die!”  She knows I have a procrastination gene;)  My favorite memory in Arkansas this summer was one night we all went out to the pool.  My mom and grandma had not worn a bathing suit in years.  They said as long as it was after dark they were in.  Did you know grandma looked the very best.  She looked like a movie star.  That’s what I think.  My mom went in the pool with littlest and only girl.  Both grandmas don’t technically know how to swim so being near or in the water is a big deal you know.  They keep in the shallow end and everything is safe and sound.  Great grandma hung out on the steps and me…well I had girl issues so I had a sweater on actually and just leaned in for the group shot when I set my timer.  But anyway it was my best memory.  Not to mention all the laughing so hard we had tears moments. Oh and grandma’s delicious homemade bread pudding!   We call her GG-ma.

 

the truth about feathers

“but. leap i will… day after day, hoping to land in the arms of beauty more often than not.” my friend Angela Hendrix-Petry

How many of you have read “This I Know” by Susannah Conway ? If you have not had a chance to read it, I recommend it. I read it a few years ago now but when I did read it, I remember laying on the grass in my backyard reading her heartfelt words. She had experienced tremendous loss and she began to find feathers. I have another friend who experienced tragic loss of a friend who also began to find feathers after his death. And honestly it was this friend Angela who made me far more aware of feathers than even the book I had read. But you know when you discover something new, your eyes are opened. Then all of a sudden where there were none, there were  many. It’s like hearts. I literally find them everywhere. I can cut open a piece of filet mignon and there will be a heart! I’m not even kidding.

heartsee, yesterday sweeping, a little heart leaf landed in the muck.

So back to the feathers. I began to find feathers after my eyes were opened wide. The point is, they have always been there, it’s just I had never noticed them. I was so busy rushing through life that I just didn’t look down or around. I mean I have always been an observer of life since I’m a quite person. I went back and read journals when my oldest was born 19 years ago and I was writing about my days sitting at the park on my lunch hour explaining to him in my journal what I was seeing and what I was imagining and things like that. But there was a point in my life where I was so busy raising my kids and taking care of the house and bills, working and just going through the process without really appreciating it. So now because of great friends and good books and my constant learning each and every day, I slow down. I look around and it’s amazing how much love is everywhere I look. I have not had a tragedy hit me in regards to my feather finding. I take them as gifts from God, just like the hearts are his calling cards. It’s a physical reminder to me that he is always with me even when I think I’m alone. This is how I relate to hearts and feathers. You may relate them in an entirely different way but if you are seeing them, stopping and noticing then that’s what counts.

feathersthe bouquet of feathers found on yesterdays walk.

This is the bouquet of feathers I found yesterday when I walked for 30 minutes in the park. I even found the piece of string that I tied them up with. I have walked this park for years, lots of times and I had never noticed or picked up a feather. And when I went with the intent to find at least one, I found many. The park does have a pond that is home to many ducks! But you see I had walked around that pond so many times I can’t count and never have I noticed the feathers scattered across the grass. It’s like I looked straight past them. Now it’s all I can see.

I have a challenge for you – I hope you will accept.

It’s a scavenger hunt. I challenge you to go for a walk sometime this week and while you are walking I’m wondering if you can find the things on the list I have made up here. It’s the sort of things I see on my walks, the ones I take in my 1950’s suburban housing tract. Here is the list.

A dandelion flower

A piece of green glass

I piece of blue glass

A feather

A heart

A string or piece of yarn

A kitty cat

A pinecone

Your own unique find apart from this list

Oh and can you imagine! If you live by the sea, you can bring home a sea shell!!!!

So how did you do? Did you find it all? My plan is to walk with my girl and see if we can find these things. Just get out and get some fresh air you know. That’s the plan. We will also be taking deep breathes because often I smell laundry being dried or dinner being cooked, or barbeques fired up, or even fire places on cool days, or fresh cut lawns, bus exhaust…smells like that.

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I’m thankful because my eyes see

Yesterday for example. I set my timer for 15 minutes to get some steps in before I grabbed Abbie from school. I was walking around the elementary school and I saw a boy with his mom. Not just an everyday kind of boy but an extraordinary not often seen kind of boy with Down Syndrome. He spotted a tiny little yellow dandelion flower and he slowly and ever so carefully plucked it from the grass and with the biggest most proud radiant smile one ever did see, he presented it to his mama. And she gracefully bowed and curtsied and they got into their car and drove away. What did that do for me? It made me smile, it made me happy to witness such love.

In the very last-minute of my walk I crossed the street and walked on the house side of the street and a feather happened to catch my eye laying on someone’s grass. I smiled because I wasn’t even looking and there it was out of the corner of my eye. Yes, I picked it up. And of course I took its picture.

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My mailbox had a package. It had a small note that simply read, and this is because I was thinking of you. Inside the three prettiest bracelets I had seen. Full of color and care. I will wear them until they fall to pieces because it’s just how I operate. Then I will remember how good I felt receiving them and being thought of and all and I will pay it forward on another day. Because another wise friend once told me “it will arrive when you least expect it and most need it” It does seem to work out that way, it really does.

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rainbow fullWe traveled to Sprouts to stock up on some good food and when we walked outside the store it was gray but golden light made its way to the tops of the trees and the wet asphalt smelt so good and what do you know! A big, big double rainbow was in the sky! And those days are best, when there is rain and sun all at once and God’s promise is painted across the sky.rainbowThese are just a few of the things my eyes saw yesterday. What did you see? What will you see today?